You forgot to love yourself.

I remember looking at my ex and knowing that if I had a shred of self esteem I never would have acknowledged him…but I didn’t and I threw away many years believing perhaps I had a problem loving (I don’t) or that maybe I was just scared or damaged by my family (his near constant whisper in my ear) and I couldn’t handle complete devotion.

I listened to his passive aggressive crap about my family for years while also watching him sleep soundly as I got up and did all the work…I listened to the complaints about me while he sat in his underwear “looking” for a job for years but also took note of the fact that he would not work forever unless it was a CEO position. He would let everyone suffer rather than lower himself to actually help…

I am a strong willed person and that is what saved me. I was not the one to believe the nonsense about my family because I have both a brain and extreme devotion to those I love. It is one of hundreds of signs when your spouse tries to convince you your family is flawed. When they try to isolate you from your friends and family and then when they become deeply unhappy or agitated when you go against these wishes…and God forbid you go speak of their family they way they so freely speak of yours.

Soon you find you have lost most contact with the ones who adore you. You have no friends where you used to have many. Your joys are not shared and so you give them up. The ones who make you laugh and happy also bring guilt because you feel like you are in some way betraying the one at home, and then when you get home you are put down but told “I was joking” and your life is one huge mess.

Extremely damaged people can make hell feel like home.

I found that I had to be numb in one way or another to just be ok and when I worked hard and got very healthy his unhappiness and tears became near constant. When I got angry about his not having a job the passive aggressive crap began then the kissing up in a ridiculous way and then tears and when you don’t give in then you will get the threats. Suicide was a big one. He went to that one frequently and obviously it was my fault…all of his failures were in fact partially or entirely my fault.

I am brave. I am worthy of a beautiful life. I am an amazing soul who has gifts and humor and finds happiness in loving others…so I left. I got every single threat known to man but I was done and it became predictable and transparent. You can’t make a person kill themselves! That is obvious but not obvious when you’re in deep. You are not responsible for another adults mental health, they are. If someone truly loves you they will do what needs to be done. They contribute. They love your family because you marry the family as well. They don’t ever make fun of you and your personality or hobbies or being. They don’t try to damage your relationships (this one will haunt you later.) They don’t watch you go crazy while doing nothing and then suddenly beg and plead when you lose it. This is very literally the opposite of love and one day you wake up and if you’re lucky your gone and it’s then that you see that this person was completely incapable of actual love. They needed you because just think about where they would be if you left?

I am deeply in love with my life now and it looks nothing like I thought it would. I wake up happy and go to bed happy and work my butt off happy and have a relationship with my parents I didn’t know possible. Everything I thought was wrong. My father sat me down and told me that I was a joy!! My mother said how grateful she was to have me to talk to! My neighbors all gave my daughter and I gifts because we have really close friendships and I have more love in my life than I ever had even as a child.

Every second you decide what your life will be.

Published by Heidi

Mostly mommy. heidibond11 on Instagram

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