Happiness

I’m so happy. I mean I have a near constant state of gratitude and peace that I never ever EVER thought possible. I feel mostly joy and I don’t feel terribly weighed down by the problems of others.

For as long as I can remember I have had anxiety. Sinking into the center of the earth anxiety. Praying God would take me anxiety…literally trying every drug, herb, food and distraction anxiety. And then I gave up…

Giving up for me meant stopping every single thing that altered my brain. I wanted to know me if I was going to let go of me. I knew intuitively that if I needed a drug to deal with my feelings then something was wrong with my environment or my perception of my situation or the people I was surrounding myself with..nothing was ever wrong with me specifically. I retrospectively can say that the only times I’ve been truly alive is as a young child and in the past 7 years and that’s not to say there hasn’t been tough times…but in the past 2 years there have been few.

I absolutely had to go through hell to get back to that childhood state of wonder and grace. I had to lay on the bathroom floor dealing with insomnia and not knowing if I would live through the pain. I had to revisit every shitty moment and abuse and insecurity and I had to turn my life entirely over to God who I wasn’t even sure was listening. Try praying for a sign at these times!! Absolutely nothing happened. Apparently you can’t manipulate God.

I also had to be ok with the fact that every relationship I had was not going to stay the same. Some would end, some would alter and some would grow in ways I couldn’t imagine. I had to be ok with losing everything to get me back and I was and in some ways I did lose everything and I wish deeply I had done it sooner.

Those relationships that require you to not be 100% authentically yourself are not real and they have little service to you outside of being a comfortable hell that you are too scared to leave. I miss nothing of my life before. Not one single second.

I gave myself entirely to God and it gave me a peace and gratitude that I knew at 7. I had to find a relationship with God that served me and my path and because I was raised in church and I felt confused by the hate and judgment that was preached near constantly. That isn’t God. God created us perfect. Gay, single, divorced, flawed, sinners, screw ups, broken, transgender…it doesn’t matter. We are perfect to God. We are enough. I am enough.

I don’t question my path because I have been on it long enough to know it is perfect for me. I have absolutely no need to alter myself to deal with my day. I sometimes struggle with people and then realized that generally those aren’t my people…I am happy and no it wasn’t easy and yes it took so long to see the benefits but all the things I was searching for externally were already there. The relationships I craved came when I was clear and open to recieving them and many of my deepest dreams started coming true and they looked nothing like I thought they would.

I am whole. I always was but this world and the people we surround ourselves with can tell us otherwise and it’s a lie and once you understand that you start to see you can have everything and you deserve that.. no matter who you are. I am not perfect and I never will be in the world’s eyes but I am to God and that is enough. I’m a better person and I can love you entirely because I love me.

Published by Heidi

Mostly mommy.

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