As I lay in my bed waiting for my house to wake I started thinking about the whirlwind that had become my spiritual journey…

I have had struggles. Big ugly sinking into the center of the earth pain that seemed so otherworldly and suffocating. I would pray near constantly to God to take this pain, this paralyzing anxiety away…and with each prayer the anxiety would increase, the worry would consume me and I would want to die. To start over. To be free.

I didn’t realize the battles I was so impatiently waiting for God to fix were the very ones he had called me to fight…I had to give up the need to control or numb every single thought and feeling and actually stand by and examine where in fact this excruciating pain was coming from.

In that realization and then the synchronicity of events that followed I found my true self and was almost instantly freed from a particular coping mechanism that I had been plagued with since elementary school…I have 0 vices today. I don’t desire to be numb even for 1 second. The unspeakable beauty of every second (even the tough ones) has me saying thank you a thousand times a day. I have moments like when faced directly with an abhorrent human…but I recognize the purpose now.

Those dreams where you’re thinking it was me but it didn’t look like me…it was you. All the lifetimes we’ve lived, all the patterns repeated until the lesson is learned. All the opportunities to see that love is the answer, that every second you can change your mind change your experience. That you can choose your friends and family and that you chose even the awful people so you can learn and the second you “get it” you move on and are freed from that particular lesson. It’s earth school.

Published by Heidi

Mostly mommy.

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