It’s so fascinating how much power you have in this world. You have this profound and magical power to transform a person’s entire life view and in doing so also changing your own. You literally can alter the life path and spirit of those you come into contact with…why don’t some people see this?
When you are small your beliefs come as a result of those who care for you. Your ability to trust, to share, to love openly but mostly your feelings about your inherent worth. Critical and unpredictable affection leaves children confused and consumed with a constant feeling of being at least mildly unlovable…or in my case feeling profoundly unworthy and unattractive.
I have almost 0 memories of my childhood. I do remember the vague and constant sense of unease that I felt. I remember that no matter what I did it was probably wrong and I probably would be told at some point that I had “wrecked the day” I heard that a lot. I remember more than anything that no one ever seemed excited to see me. No one’s eyes ever lit up because of my presence no matter how hard I tried. I felt worthless at 6 and extremely ugly…everything I saw said if you were beautiful you made people happy and I made people so unhappy I assumed I must be disgusting and dirty and mostly ugly.
Ugliness is not necessarily a hideous face and body. Ugliness is a feeling. It’s the mirror of your parents expressions where the reflection was always angry or distracted or disinterested. It was excruciating for a little girl who just so deeply wanted to fix everything. A small soul who wanted to be enough even if I wasn’t perfect. Finally I thought maybe I could fix it all by disappearing. I started praying God would just take me away so everyone would be happy…just take me God! I don’t deserve to live.
In my dystopian world that turned into eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks and abuse of anything that turned off my own horribly critical mind. For the majority of my life I was trying to go away, go away from myself. Pain was my everyday and I had not even 1 moment of authentic happiness until I was an adult.
Happiness came when I was free from judgment. It came when I ignored everything I was ever taught about life and what made me worthy, and with that I slowly overcame all my issues entirely through the power of my own will and with near constant prayer. God was always with me even when I had completely abandoned myself.
I remember holding my daughter after she was born and realizing that every bit of love I had in my body…the love I never got, the love I always dreamed of, the love I never allowed myself, the unconditional forever magical pure love was in my arms. I was healed. I was healed in that moment.
Incredibly hard work and millions of mistakes followed but I was healing and I was healing all the generations to follow. THAT was my purpose. I mattered. I was important. I had a reason that was so so so much bigger than I could have ever understood and every single excruciating moment in my life had a purpose as well.
When my daughter wakes up I jump into her bed and kiss her face and twirl her in circles and I know my eyes light up because every morning I wake up excited to see her and kiss her and just be with her. Every “watch me mommy” and note she writes me is a treasure to me. Every time I light up for her I also am lighting up for the little girl I once was. I feel genuinely like the luckiest human ever to live that I get to shower this child with adoration and security and that I get to be loved by her. What a prize she is.
When you deeply heal you also become tender in those damaged places…you drop the defensiveness. My love for my family is the most authentic it has ever been. I feel a softness and love for my parents and their pain. The children they once were. I see pictures of these sweet innocent faces and wish I could have loved them unconditionally so they could have seen me and adored me. I wish I could heal their families and I wish you could heal generations backwards as well as forward but unfortunately I have no ability to fix what they can’t see and it’s also not my job. But I can accept them as is and I can see how beautiful they are and how well meaning and I can take the pressure off them because I no longer need them to adore me because I am already adored.
I don’t care about messes or perfection or what others think. I don’t care who is against me because I know God and my daughter are for me and literally nothing compares to that. I know I am filling this sweet soul with complete confidence and strong love of God and the total knowledge that she is adored as is. I know that while my parents don’t have the emotional ability to light up for me I now can light up for them. I can be excited when they wake up and I can love them for exactly who they are right now.
I never ever thought I could heal from the pain of my life but as it turns out that pain was a blessing because I have a gratitude and joy that transformed my life and I have more love to give than I ever knew possible..and finally after all this time I also can accept that love for myself and that simple act is the most magnificent and magical of all.
Thank you God for loving me when I was unlovable.